Big Girl Panties
Whenever, I need to do something that requires me to be anything other than sugar pie sweet, agreeable, passive or simply something outside of others think I should be doing...I say, I am putting on my big girl panties!
this phrase it both literal and metaphorical, because, over the past couple years, I've grown beyond the Bull Shyt! I am not into arguing with stupid people nor having to explain every friggin decision I make regarding my life. Over the pass 10 years, I have given people, (family included) the idea that I give a fuck about what they think....When it all boils down, I don't I never had actually. And, I am sadden that some how, some where within this space of time I forgot that, I started caring, I started wanting to be like when...I am not concerned about that.
I started remembering, who I was back in April when I took my first International Trip SOLO...See, since my son was born in 1996, I've been nowhere without him or someone in my family all my trips have been GROUP! and that can be kinda sad when you are "fairies in a park dancing barefoot" and your family "southern bible tooting traditional there is not other way of thinking except our way" So, you can kinda see my dilemma, although, I've had great trips over there past 18 years, none of those trips compare to my experience of going to Toronto!
At the beginning of the year I asked to Most High to open up streams that I'd closed and maybe perhaps open without permission. Yet, when I made my vision board this January, it was full of Revelations and Newness...see, In November on the 3rd, I was electrocuted while my computer sat in my lap, I laughed at my mother recapping me on her trip to Vegas with her siblings, then notice that I was no longer laughing but trying to grasp for air... now, I did think maybe it was the "fish I'd just fried" but I saw tunnels of color and heard sounds of energy in my ear, so my mother thought maybe I was having a heart attack, so she rushed to her two baby aspirin and a bottle of water, I just couldn't get over how thirsty I was (no pun intended) Well I went outside to catch my breathe...I came back in and I couldn't get it...She (my mother) began asking me a series of questions, Do I need to call the ambulance? What does it feel like? What were you doing? I did tell her I had "friend some fish" she just continued with the questioning...I sat down thinking "damn, I need a nap" You can't go to sleep she said...so she went back to making me laugh. that whole day seem to go in hyper awareness yet slow motion, I noticed everything, a yapping child in the store, the un-attentive mother, the hand placement of a father on his daughters back, the inappropriate comments of a sales clerk to a customer...It was like my body had taken a walk and my mind was focused. I was frighten...I didn't know what was going on all I did not was that I was not dead, but I was prepared for the events that would happen next. A month later, on December give or take a day, I was on my way to work and heard a voice say "look up", I was trailing behind a truck pulling a boat, the traffic was bad so, I started to pull off give so more space...when I heard the voice again "look up" I did but nothing had changed then I heard "behind you" Just as I looked into my rearview mirror, I see a car behind me nicely spaced then I notice that behind him the car is flying, unable to slow down in enough time then...BAAAAMMM!
this phrase it both literal and metaphorical, because, over the past couple years, I've grown beyond the Bull Shyt! I am not into arguing with stupid people nor having to explain every friggin decision I make regarding my life. Over the pass 10 years, I have given people, (family included) the idea that I give a fuck about what they think....When it all boils down, I don't I never had actually. And, I am sadden that some how, some where within this space of time I forgot that, I started caring, I started wanting to be like when...I am not concerned about that.
I started remembering, who I was back in April when I took my first International Trip SOLO...See, since my son was born in 1996, I've been nowhere without him or someone in my family all my trips have been GROUP! and that can be kinda sad when you are "fairies in a park dancing barefoot" and your family "southern bible tooting traditional there is not other way of thinking except our way" So, you can kinda see my dilemma, although, I've had great trips over there past 18 years, none of those trips compare to my experience of going to Toronto!
At the beginning of the year I asked to Most High to open up streams that I'd closed and maybe perhaps open without permission. Yet, when I made my vision board this January, it was full of Revelations and Newness...see, In November on the 3rd, I was electrocuted while my computer sat in my lap, I laughed at my mother recapping me on her trip to Vegas with her siblings, then notice that I was no longer laughing but trying to grasp for air... now, I did think maybe it was the "fish I'd just fried" but I saw tunnels of color and heard sounds of energy in my ear, so my mother thought maybe I was having a heart attack, so she rushed to her two baby aspirin and a bottle of water, I just couldn't get over how thirsty I was (no pun intended) Well I went outside to catch my breathe...I came back in and I couldn't get it...She (my mother) began asking me a series of questions, Do I need to call the ambulance? What does it feel like? What were you doing? I did tell her I had "friend some fish" she just continued with the questioning...I sat down thinking "damn, I need a nap" You can't go to sleep she said...so she went back to making me laugh. that whole day seem to go in hyper awareness yet slow motion, I noticed everything, a yapping child in the store, the un-attentive mother, the hand placement of a father on his daughters back, the inappropriate comments of a sales clerk to a customer...It was like my body had taken a walk and my mind was focused. I was frighten...I didn't know what was going on all I did not was that I was not dead, but I was prepared for the events that would happen next. A month later, on December give or take a day, I was on my way to work and heard a voice say "look up", I was trailing behind a truck pulling a boat, the traffic was bad so, I started to pull off give so more space...when I heard the voice again "look up" I did but nothing had changed then I heard "behind you" Just as I looked into my rearview mirror, I see a car behind me nicely spaced then I notice that behind him the car is flying, unable to slow down in enough time then...BAAAAMMM!
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