Lost

So much to say and yet nothing comes out.
dropping my son off at school last week, inspiration filled all part of my being. it was overwhelming yet, every time I go to write a new poem or even attempt to completed projects that need to be finished, I don't. I run fast into reading a book about something I am well aware of and yet anything will do just so as long as I do not have to face the fact the I have nothing to say and yet so much to say.

I was so inspired this past Saturday after witnessing the Poet Sunni Patterson, she was a breathe of fresh air, raw, unchained, free. You could see it in her movements, you could hear it in her voice, the ancestors move with her daily, she is an altar. I mean I was so happy to have witness her genius, if you have not had the chance to see with Goddess "Prayer"form the you should do yourself that favor.
however, with all that inspiration, I still found myself days later comparing and back into the same slump I was in before...I've been asking myself the same question's over and over since returning from The Netherlands, "what is that you have to say?" "what is it that you are to leave with the world?" "what and where is your lane?" "How can I find my voice?"
I had it once I know for sure but somewhere, as time passed and days turned to months and years later I am filled with uncertainty, and void at a time and season in my life where everything should be in order...

interesting that i used that word because it is not normally a word i use within my vocabulary when speaking about myself. I have no order, I have likes and dislikes, two deal breakers, and everything else is strictly what feels good to my soul. No really, I am not guided by the seat of my pants but I am in tune with my gut, which was damaged in surgery some years ago but I have done the work to get back in sync with my intuition, it has been an ongoing road back, I am not where I was and I am beginning to think I won't ever get back to that square... it is hard, the work. you end up making decisions at the last minute just cause you're not sure if the feeling in your gut is flatulence or the spiritual nudge you've been waiting on to move. basically what I'm saying is according to the worldly traditions I am out of order, nothing about my life is how you are supposed to do things...nothing!  perhaps, my use of the word order is really where I need to start...no need to look at the word from the negative perspective, but maybe from the view of organization. I need a better construct of organization because what I have going on right now is not working...

You ever felt like you need to clean up and get rid of somethings, so you start throwing things away, but the more things you threw away the more you felt like you need to get rid of more things. That is me, right now. Lost